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CW: Loss

by Breakfast In Silence

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1.
Plant 02:40
Can we just talk about how the tables have turned? I’m not flipping this one. My nails grow faster now that I’m no longer biting them down. I had to claw my way out; biting my tongue and eating my hands up, it wasn’t what I had planned. Grab me by the wrist cause you can’t be heard! I’m your biggest fan, can’t argue over me in a whisper. Home was my calendar, plans to crash, whose handout I’d grab, It wasn’t what I had planned— In the heat of it I am just homesick; Shoes melt to the pavement. is that filth or tanned legs? In the heat of it I am just a headache! Bless the mattress on the floor! The grass makes my whole life itch. Grab me by the wrist: wasn’t the plan. Hand in a fist: wasn’t the plan—
2.
Should’ve called more, it was somehow my fault that your son and your daughter didn’t know you hadn’t heard from us. Found the puzzle I lost a piece to. You replaced it with your own. We’re piecing clues together you left behind. I’m struggling now with the one that’s gone. I’m sitting on the corner in the front of the prayer tower, crying with my mom on the phone. Flicker of streetlight, halo above, I wish so hard there was one -that could’ve brought in the groceries you abandoned. I wish we had been… I wish you hadn’t… Would it have stopped you from the sleeping pills and gin? The blood ties are splattered, undetermined. I’m so sorry you were so alone.
3.
I’d do anything to make myself feel better. Give me anything to make this shit feel better. Rail a line of Prozac- Fuck adderall! That shit’s wack! There’s a hole in me, don’t know how to fill it- Oh! Sure! Make that dick joke. Suck off this siqq solo: … Sometimes I look worse cause I am better. Sometimes I feel worse cause I feel something. Choking up some blood—
4.
Flat Provo 01:58
Here’s how caged birds sing real loud till they wear themselves out: When the only concert I was allowed to go to was held on sunday mornings, I’d sneak out my window to gaze at local stars. You could find me leaned against the subwoofers, yelling the words I knew, (Flutter something in my eager little heart.) I knew that was what I wanted, it was all I learned how to do. When they tore down the mortuary, we were all pretty disappointed that it wasn’t the aroma of cinnamon and bodies burning. I died screaming in a basement in Rexburg. Either that, or I finally woke up. As the sun and steam rose over the coffee shop, a bird fell through the trees. Here’s how caged birds sing real loud till they wear themselves out.
5.
Had a dream you were suffocating me, I woke right up. I should really take that nicotine patch off. Stop texting me, have only 22 more episodes to watch. Don’t wanna talk. Good thing I lost my voice and I am all fucked up. Can’t find it in me, nor will I find it at your house.
6.
The Worst 01:33
The whole room was quiet like we were the head and the walls were the hands. Could it be worse? I wish I could blame me. Maybe if i change…? Sometimes it’s worse when your friend is fucking up and it’s not you. Sometimes it’s worse when your family’s fucking up and it’s not you. Sometimes it’s worse when your country’s fucking up and it’s not you.
7.
DLTN 03:15
It never goes away; it just finds somewhere else to hide. There are tissues by all the phones to soak up the guilt that leaks out. Why am I here? Why am I here again? I’ve met folks in neighboring rooms; they’ve lost all the people they want to call. They drag around bags of saline so they can wake up crying. Why am I so selfish? To kill the hole in me would be a hole in you— I’m so sorry. I’m just an empty dial tone.
8.
Hell is just heaven short staffed. Misread my schedule again. Misread my schedule AGAIN. Ah, Fuck it. It’s fine. I’ll pet it out at the shelter. Could probably use the day off anyway- I REALLY need the day off anyway. Daytime is just for nerds with nine-to-five’s; I’ve got the vampire shift, it’s really sucking me dry. We don’t sell anything high in vitamin D, but they pay me to have the sun shine out my asshole. The sun shines out my asshole!! Hey Asshole! Where you going with that shit? I mean… Were you gonna pay for that shit? Nah, you’re right, it’s a major corporation, I don’t actually give much of a shit. Can’t chase you anyway, I’m too tied up- got promoted to “Overworked Underpaid Wage Slave.” Yeah, we’re gonna throw out all of this shit. Can’t hand it straight to you… you know… vagrancy’s contagious. But you know how dumpsters work! Here’s a snorkel from my landlord’s vacation! Dive right in! I’ll join you if they raise my rent again!
9.
I’m really fucking tired of feeling like this concave human. Can’t curl up tight enough. A human fist, I fight hard to be open -open to help- to release white knuckled guilt. I was committed again, now I’m out, I commit to carry my own holes around. Goddamn! Rip me a new one, Mom. Dig my own grave so it’s easier to leave. Why would I envy Grandma’s exit? Still wear her son’s hol(e)y denim jacket? Gonna prove I can live in it the way he couldn’t live up to or through it. It’s too easy to blame the clerk who sold her the gin, the bridge he couldn’t cross- I’ll blame myself later for not knowing to call. I’ll blame myself later for fucking up. I will never feel Whole. I’ll just wear myself out. No sense giving up now.

about

Thanks to Solofifiloi Tapa Matavao-Brown; Louart "Lugis" "Scootyboog" "Googy" Johnson; Gooby; 100 GECS; Geri Fairy; DOGOR; Konrad Keele; Kale Morse; Charle Pak & the rest our friends who continue to inspire, motivate & enable us to make music, Bob @ Phat ‘n’ Phunky, Alexis Rausch, Alex Cutler, Moira, Steve & Curtis @ Full Fidelity, Alberto’s, the state of Idaho, Uncle Bernie, Lindsey&Chris (4thStDreamTeam), Joan&Andy, TheUndergroundRIP, Prince Utena, and Papa Roach of DTM jenkem chambers.

Special thanks from Ash to Val and Russ for being the most loving friends a theybie could have during the hardest year of my life AND tolerating me enough to make music with me, I love y’all.

Breakfast in Silence is Val Brown, Russ Wood, and Ash Bassett.

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released March 27, 2020

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Breakfast In Silence Salt Lake City, Utah

hey there hoss, wanna grab a burrito?

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